tonight is another one of those introspectives evenings that i tend to have from time to time.

i feel like i'm still trying to find myself and what i want to do with myself.

music and my friends are my life, but that's just not enough. i feel like i need a kick in the ass to get myself into gear and i'm having trouble doing so.

and never again will i believe the same old stories.

Bite your tongues, and keep my name from your mouths. I had nothing to do with any of this, so why I am being involved is way beyond me. Not once did add anything to this ridiculous quarrel, yet I'm being grouped in as if I did. I refrained from posting anything on Twitter to cause a stir, nor did I ask any inappropriate questions on Formspring. I've stayed where I always am, on the sidelines, out of the mess at hand. I had my opinions on what went on, but I didn't go out of my way to express them through social networking sites. If I'm truly the immature one, then why am I being namedropped for things I had nothing to do with? Whatever floats your boat, I guess.

Really?

He goes out of his way to do stuff for you and this is how you repay him?

Unbelievable.

This is another one of those journals that are just of me complaining about stupid shit, so if you don't feel like reading the same stuff you've probably heard before then just skip this entry.

A friend of mine posted something on twitter about valentine's day and it got me thinking. It's such a stupid "holiday" but at the same time I probably only see it that way because I've never been able enjoy it to the fullest. not once in my life have i ever had someone around long enough to actually celebrate valentine's day with and that got me upset. as i always state, I hate not having someone. Every time I think I have a chance, I either find a way to ruin it, or there's like no way it could possibly happen because of things such as distance.

Another thing that really bothers me is when people who have little-to-no trouble at all finding a significant other complain about how they hate being single or hate being "alone". I'm sorry, but you don't even know the HALF of it, so shut the fuck up. I'm 19, turning 20 in less than 3 weeks,  overweight, bad teeth, low self esteem, overly shy, unable to drive, unemployed, and not going to school. believe me, if you think you're alone because you've been single for like a few months, try spending the about 97% of your teenage life like that (and yes, I went and calculated that cause I'm that cool). It's really pretty upsetting. This isn't geared towards anyone in particular, it's just a major pet peeve of mine.

ghdfjkdsalfrantrantrant

I guess that's it for now.

 This year was very eventful, needless to say. There were a lot of good things and a lot of bad things that happened over the past 12 months. I was originally going to recap the year and pull out events that stood out a lot but I feel that it may be too much. Instead, I'm going to write about my friends I've made or just became closer to over this year. 

Before that though, I just wanna point out that this year was a REALLY good year for concerts. 

-Craig Owens
-The Color Fred
-Weezer x2
-Paramore
-Fall Out Boy
-Panic! at the Disco
-Blink 182 x2
-Green Day 
-Taking Back Sunday
-Good Old War

I feel like there were more, but I can't remember.

Anyway, onto the main event: 

I feel kinda bad because I go through reading everyone else's journals and what I write isn't nearly as long as what others post, or at least thats what I think anyway haha. 

(i'm probably gonna include some inside jokes at the end of some :P)

Brandi Mayger
I've known you longer than everyone here and yet I didn't include you originally and I'm sorry! I was so tired D:. But there's so much I could say about you, we've had our ups and downs but in the end we're still friends. You're always fun to be around and you're so easy to amuse to it actually makes me feel like I'm funny at times haha. You pick me up and drive me home at the most random times and I love you for that. You're an amazing friend to me and I'm glad I met you in that Spanish class that we didn't have together first period sophomore year.

Jeff Hall 
You're one of my newest friends and I don't think there's gonna be a whole lot I can write about you, but here we go. You're such a fun guy to hang out with and I definitely feel like you'll be good for Brandi. I like how I haven't even known you that long yet I can still joke around with you as if we've known eachother for a while. Tuna. 

Jess Lykon 
We became friends because you started going out with Jon, so of course you had to be cool. You and I have such a similar music taste and I like that haha, I can actually talk to you about bands that I like and not have to worry about you being like "ew they're horrible". Even though you're no longer dating my best friend, you're still a really good friend of mine. It saddens me that we don't get to hang out as much as we used to but I'm glad that you're still there as a friend to me. In whatever times that I've come to you for advice, you always seemed to know what to say. Thank you for being there. Have fun in Philly without a face. 

Nicole Jones
Honestly, you're not someone I thought I'd get to be very good friends with, you always seemed to be very quiet and such. I started getting to know you better around summer time. You're fun to talk to and you also like a lot of bands that I do, although most of the bands that you consider your favorites I wouldn't listen to haha. Anyway, I feel like you're another person I can come to when I have a problem because you're not one to really sugarcoat the truth. You're also someone I wish that I got to hang out with more, but becuase of circumstances you don't get to really. You still have not appeared outside of my house with your Harry Potter DVDs. 

Alison Cloud
We met last year but I didn't get to really know you until this year. You are one of the craziest people I know and you never fail to make me laugh. You're someone I'm really glad I got to meet and become friends with. I can trust you with so much stuff. You've taken me to two amazing shows, Paramore and Good Old War and I love you for that. Our inside jokes are so random but still hilarious to both of us. Thank you so much for having the band play at your birthday party back in October, I know I had a lot of fun. We need more random photoshoots haha, that day was fun. Need some toast for that burn? 

Trish Bowman
You and I don't really talk that often, but any time we do I always feel so comfortable talking to you haha. You're someone who can always make me laugh. I don't know if I'm going to be able to write a whole lot about you and I'm sorry. I wish you and I talked more so I had more to actually write. Burger Queen <3.

Greg Smith
You are one of the greatest people that I know and I don't think that I point that out enough. You're so very understanding, and you're so very helpful in tough situations. I've seen you go out of your way to cheer people up and that's a really awesome thing to do. You're one of the most loving people that I know and I envy you sometimes for that. If you ever need anything, feel free to ask me.

Kiersten Gutherman
You are one of my favorite people to talk to like ever. We got pretty close pretty fast, I'd say and I like it that way. You understand a lot of what I talk about and don't seem to mind when I talk about stuff you have no idea about. You've gotten me into a few bands, and I've gotten you into so many more haha. I can always talk to you when I'm upset, and you're always welcome to talk to me when you're upset. I wish you were able to hang out with us more because you're a lot of fun to be around and you're an awesome person. Watch out for those Jeep Grand Cherokees, I hear they like running over indie girls. :D 

Chris Sarachilli
You're another person that I feel like I can talk about anything to and not have to worry about you being like "oh my god, just shut up already." You're also one of the funniest people that I know and that is why I love talking / hanging out with you. I miss our mini sleepovers at Jon's / my house with just us 3, they were so much fun. From Baron Von Drackenstein to the Halloween decoration, some of the funniest memories that I have from the past year or so include you. As you said, you and I have our little nerdy moments together and I enjoy them. I'm so glad you've been there for me when I've needed someone to talk to and I'll always be here whenever you need someone to talk to, especially at like 5 in the morning.... AND OVER. AND OVER. AND OVER.

Kelly McHugh
My favorite female bassist :D. Kelly, you're seriously one of my favorite people ever. I love talking to you especially because I can like embrace my inner anime/videogame-nerd when I talk to you haha. You're one of the most kindhearted people I've ever met, but Lord knows if someone gets on your bad side they're fucked. I feel like you're someone who can guard my secrets, although I don't really HAVE any, but I would trust you to if I did have any. You're so much fun to hang around, and I love hanging with you. I have to agree with what you said before, I don't feel like we're just great friends, I feel like we're siblings. Also, don't ever think of giving up any of your art stuff, you're an amazing artist and I wish I could do half of the stuff you do. You've come a long way since I met you and you're just getting better and better. Not only at art, but playing bass. Don't think I haven't noticed you getting better at playing. Soon enough I'm sure we won't even have to help you come up with basslines. I want to write more but I don't know what else there is to say. MEH, who needs a room; we've got a stage. 

Jim Lorino
Mr Loreeeeeeeno getting a section in my livejournal. There's so much to say, so let's see how it goes. You're one of my closest friends and I can't tell you how lucky I am to have you as a friend. In fact, I pretty much consider you a brother. Yes, I love the fact that you drive everywhere with me but I mean that's not even a decent portion of why I like having you as a friend. You understand a lot of my problems a lot better than most people do because we're the bigger guys, well it'll probably just be me soon. I love your determination. You're looking great and it makes me so envious sometimes. I wish I had that kind of dedication to goals. I hope maybe I can follow in your footsteps and start losing weight like that this year. You've shown me so many new places that I've never been to: King of Prussia, Willow Grove, Bala Cynwyd, and a handful of others. You're always there for me if I'm down, and I appreciate it so much. You got me into Weezer and I can't thank you enough for that. We've gone to see Weezer together what, 3 times already? I can't wait to do it even more. You've really helped me a lot with music as well. You're an awesome drummer and the only one that I would ever want in my band. You being serious about getting us voice lessons was possibly one of the best ideas ever. We've both come a long way since we started the band early 2008 and I hope we go far. I can get down to that. 

Jon Salamak
*Deep breath* This will not be short, and if it is something is wrong with me. "Hey, we have the same amp," that story will NEVER get old to me. I can't believe we've known eachother for almost 3 years now. Can you believe that? THREE. YEARS. That is crazy, and it feels like it was so much longer, yet at the same time it doesn't feel like it's been that long. We clicked so fast and it was awesome. We've had more inside jokes than I've had with like everyone else combined. There have been so many nights where we've just talked about the most random shit imaginable and enjoyed every minute of it. You've been there for me and know about EVERY girl I've like ever liked. Although, there may be a few you didn't know about, but that's because I told NOBODY nor did I want to tell anyone haha. But hell, I've told you things that I would never tell anyone else and I trust you more than anyone else in the world. I can't even imagine how many hours of stuff I've complained to you about and not once did you ever just tell me to shut up or go away. Hell, you've had just as many girls to rant to me about if not more than me and of course I'll always be there to help you with anything. When we first met You ARE a brother to me, and I never want to lose the bond we have. I don't always agree with some of your actions or decisions but none of them are gonna change how I feel about you. You ARE my best friend through and through, and I've never had anyone as close as you. I love being in a band with you and I wouldn't choose anyone else to play guitar alongside me. Hell, without you I don't think I'd be friends with almost everyone on this list right now. You've positively impacted my life in so many ways and I can't even begin to tell you how thankful I am to you for that. You like your sister like that? That's cool. I like this. How's that for a slice of fried gold? 

To anyone I didn't put down, I'm sorry but don't think I don't love you, I'm just far too tired! :D <333

 1. It was Christmas, duh hah
2. Got all of the CDs and DVDs I had asked for.
3. Got my 55mm-200mm lens for my camera
4. $375 from my family
5. Hanging out with Jon, Alison, Jeff, and Jim
6. Lego Rock Band
7. Texting the most random shit with Alison til like 4AM

Wow, I actually managed to do all 25 days no matter how little the number of things that made me happy were. This was fun and it was nice thinking about the little things that made me happy rather than just the overall. We don't enjoy the little things enough. Thank you Mike for this awesome idea. :D Come up with more awesome ones. 

Christmas is supposed to be a happy time of year, and yes I was happy earlier, but a lot of things have come to my mind. My mother allowed me to open my gifts early around midnight, so I was happy about that. And although I do like a lot of what she got me, mainly because it's exactly what I asked for, I feel like I don't need or want what it was that I asked for anymore.

I asked her for a $200 multi-effects pedal for my guitar, I get it, try it out, I don't like it at all. It's fun to mess around with but it's not something I NEED and I feel bad about it. It doesn't have any good sounds that I feel like I need or really want, and the tones all sound very digital and crappy.

I feel like I've done this for a long time now. She'll get me something, I'll use it once, and never touch it again. I don't feel like I'm appreciative of all she does for me and it makes me feel awful. I swear, the woman buys me more stuff than I'll ever need in my life, and I don't even seem to show her enough appreciation for it. I need to stop just asking for things on a whim and end up having her spend money because I'm too lazy to get a job and earn my own money to waste on pointless things. She also ends up buying me things that I think I'd mentioned like once or twice and I really have no desire for them anymore and I just feel bad about it. Just the thought of asking her to return something makes me feel awful.

I've always thought about myself when it comes to Christmas even since I was little. I remember in gradeschool we would have a thing where you could buy presents for our parents and such and I would spend a good portion of the money on something stupid/semi-expensive for myself and buy her something small and cheap. Like three or four years ago I guess when the Xbox 360 came out, I asked for one for christmas. How do I repay her? By waking up majorly early  to set it up and not waking her up to watch me open everything like I've done since I was born. She came downstairs and cried. I fel absolutely horrible and still do to this

I feel like absolute shit right now, and as if I'm a terrible son. I know I'm not, but the fact that I can't even appreciate all of the nice things she does for me makes me feel that way. Here I am, 2:30 on Christmas morning crying.

I hope everyone else has a wonderful Christmas. Perhaps later I'll finish up the 25 days of happiness.

Twenty Two:

1.  Vocal lessons trying to sing Taylor Swift
2. Our teacher, Kim, loving the little lyric switch we do in the song
3. Jim got his car fixed
4. Hearing some new North Farewell stuff in Bruce's car
5. New Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood :D

Twenty-Three:

1. Jon enjoyed the shirt that I got him. :D (it was a light blue shirt that had a thumbs up and "you like this." on it.)
2. Just making it on to the train
3. The train ride there
4. Robots & Racecars
5. The Skylife
6. Victory In Numbers
7. Code Red
8. Waiting for our train
9. Jim dancing at trains
10. Have fun being stabbed
11. Keep rollin, roll-OW!
12. Jon.... Thank you. (walking away dramatically to undramatic music)

I'm sure there was more but I can't remember.

Thanks Jim, Jon, and Noel for an amazing night. :D

Merry Christmas-Eve everyone.

day twenty:
1. hanging out with jon for a bit
2. hanging out with jim / jeff

day twenty-one:

1.Red Robin
2. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=st3OshYNVBA

the past few days have been kinda boring i know. :\

i'll update later for today.

1. Watching Conqueror of Shamballa. :D
2. Taking a couple sweet photos while the snow fell.
3. Jon's house :D
4. Watching Hot Rod
5. "Oh Kathy" in french.
6. Pineapple Express.
7. Jon, your house looks weird upside down.
8. It's pi-o-clock.
9. So much else that I can't recall exactly.

Now that I'm done all the GOOD stuff, I'm gonna rant a bit.

Yay fifth wheel. Jon's got Noel, Brandi's got Jeff to talk to, but I've had nobody really. I mean yes, I've been talking to them, but I wish I had someone special to talk to for hours on end. Someone that makes me happy like they have. It's been so long since I've actually liked someone and I miss it. I realize I've said this before but I've got nothing else to talk about/write about right now. Like I said, Jon's got Noel and Brandi has Jeff. Meh. I don't have anything else to say. I'l just continue to sit here listening to music while they do their thing.